No matter how big of an incident shakes your life, the repetition of daily routine doesn’t change. School ends, you have lunch, then go to cram school. That’s all there is to being a high school student. Sometimes, just the fact that this is all there is can make you crumble, unable to find an escape route. But my world hasn’t collapsed yet. That’s a relief.
Since my parents often had to leave Korea for work, they assigned me a tutor instead of a guardian. Looking back, I think they felt guilty about leaving me alone. Maybe that’s why they were lenient about my grades. Whenever my grades dropped even slightly, they would say this:
“It’s okay if you don’t do well in school. You can just study abroad right away.”
And yet, they never sent me to a private or specialized high school.
Since they couldn’t be around to look after me 100% of the time, their plan was for me to compete with a good school transcript. Luckily, there was a decent school near home. Well, it’s not like I particularly hated their reasoning. It was logical enough. And I’m sure my parents weren’t the only ones who thought like this.
My parents always recited my future as if it were a mantra.
I’d heard it so much that when my classmates once asked about my future plans, I repeated it word for word, without a single mistake.
“I’ll get into the Business Administration program at Korea University, graduate without taking a leave of absence, and go straight to the U.S. after that. Korean connections, foreign experience, and a degree—all of them matter. Then, once I return to Korea, I’ll work at my parents’ company…”
At the time, Hong Huijun, who was still close with Han Junwoo, asked me:
“How come your plan doesn’t include the military?”
I laughed and answered,
“Well, because everyone has to go. There’s no need to mention it.”
But deep down, I was thinking, Why the hell would I go there, you idiots?
Even in my parents’ grand plan for my life, the military wasn’t included. Which meant, one way or another, they would make sure I didn’t have to serve.
And in that grand, magnificent plan, my sexual preferences were never considered. That’s why I had to eliminate any and all evidence that I liked men. As a result, I stuck to Go Yohan even more than usual. I had to observe every single thing he said and did, analyzing and assigning meaning to it. It was absurdly ironic.
Go Yohan would grab my arm every time the recess bell rang. Thanks to that, I couldn’t go anywhere and had to sit there, listening to him.
“Jun-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you think I decided to take summer classes?”
Go Yohan propped his chin up with his thumb and index finger. His expression was unusually serious.
“Well, obviously, to study.”
“Then does that mean past me was an idiot?”
“Why?”
“The teachers are the same anyway. So what more am I supposed to learn?”
“You’re right.”
It was a fair point. Plenty of students had opted out of the extra classes, saying they were a waste of time. Instead of being stuck at school, they planned to spend that time at cram school. Even the so-called model students, who were on friendly terms with me, chose to go to cram school. That’s when a thought struck me.
“But why don’t you go to a cram school?”
“Me?”
“Honestly, you don’t learn much at school. If you just went to a cram school, you’d be in the top ranks in no time.”
“…”
If he could achieve his grades just by self-studying, then he had to be pretty smart. Go Yohan gave an awkward smile instead of answering. It looked like he was genuinely troubled. Did I ask the wrong question? Just as he was about to answer, fidgeting uncomfortably, I waved my hand.
“Forget it. You’re doing fine on your own.”
I didn’t want to hear an uncomfortable answer. I didn’t ask any further. And Go Yohan didn’t insist on answering. We both agreed, in our own way, that this was for the best.
As promised, Go Yohan and I started going to and from school together. Even in moments of suspicion, I didn’t want to look like a loser. At the very least, I wanted to carry myself with dignity, like a noble egret. But my true focus was on his phone. I kept waiting—waiting and waiting—for that eerie white thing to slip from his hands and land at my feet.
On our way home today, I watched Go Yohan disappear into his house, his back turned to me as he entered through the front door. A familiar anxiety crept in. My hand instinctively waved toward him, but my eyes were fixed on the window of my house. I couldn’t tear my gaze away, even as I walked toward my front gate. Reaching behind me, I unzipped the small pocket on my bag.
But nothing was there.
I stopped staring at the window and took off my bag.
“Huh?”
Something felt off. My hands, now flustered, rummaged through every compartment, checking and rechecking.
“…Where is it?”
I stood there, shaking out my bag and pockets in front of the gate. But what I was looking for still didn’t appear. All I found in the small front pocket was a chocolate bar I’d packed as a breakfast substitute.
I had lost my key.
****
I stood in front of the doorbell, torn between two choices. Should I press it or not? This predicament had been forced upon me by a series of unfortunate events.
“Our son’s almost an adult now, so he’ll be fine, right? Just hang in there for a little while. He’ll be on break from school anyway, so it won’t be a big deal. I’ll find someone new soon.”
My mom’s words from a few days ago replayed in my head.
Our live-in housekeeper had taken a long leave to care for her mother, but my family wasn’t willing to accommodate my situation. In the end, it seemed they had settled on letting her go. The conclusion was simple: until they found a new housekeeper, I’d be home alone.
Calling her was out of the question—she lived outside of Seoul. Somewhere in Gyeonggi-do, if I remembered correctly. Wherever it was, it was far. Besides, I couldn’t bring myself to disturb a woman taking care of a sick relative.
“This is a nightmare. What do I do?”
I retraced my steps, scanning the ground. Even after walking all the way back to school, I found nothing. It wasn’t in my locker or my desk drawer either. That’s when it hit me—maybe I hadn’t taken the key with me in the first place. Since all our doors locked automatically, I never had to think about locking them myself.
Why the hell did our house need double locks? A keypad should have been enough.
I sighed deeply as I walked back home.
“And my phone is dead too… Fuck. Nothing’s going right today.”
To make matters worse, my phone’s battery had run out. I had forgotten to charge it the night before, and now I was paying for it. I’d been too distracted by Go Yohan these past few days. In desperation, I rubbed my hands together, remembering some nonsense I had once heard about static electricity reviving dead batteries. I pressed the power button again. No response. Embarrassed by my own stupidity, I clutched my head.
Wallet?
Even if I asked myself, there was no solution. Since school let out early for supplementary classes, I hadn’t thought to bring my wallet. That meant I couldn’t go to cram school. I needed money to take a taxi, but I had none.
All those worst-case scenarios had led me to this unfamiliar doorbell.
“Well, I can’t just stand around on the street forever.”
I muttered to myself as if it would give me courage. Taking a deep breath, I reached out and pressed the button. Beep—! A loud sound rang out. The doorbell was outdated. I distracted myself from my growing fear with trivial thoughts.
“Who is it?”
It was a young woman’s voice. At this hour, a young woman…? A housekeeper? My throat was dry. My voice cracked as I hurried to respond, fearing the intercom might cut off.
“I—I’m Yohan’s friend.”
My voice wavered from how dry my throat was. My face burned. I hoped she hadn’t noticed. That was embarrassing enough, but the next thing I said was even worse.
“This is Yohan’s house… right?”
I hadn’t even said something this embarrassing back in elementary school. I covered my face with both hands. I was dying of shame. As if fate wanted me to fully savor my humiliation, there was no immediate response from the intercom. I anxiously waited.
Still, nothing.
Just as I reached out to press the doorbell again, I heard movement from across the front gate. I lowered my hand and waited. Without realizing it, I clasped both hands together and held them in front of my stomach. I took a deep breath. At the same time, the door opened.
Go Yohan stood there, catching his breath.
“…Jun?”
“…Hey.”
Awkward from the embarrassment, I gave a small wave with the hands I had clasped in front of me.
“Can I come in?”
“…My house? All of a sudden? What about your place?”
Go Yohan’s face went blank as he asked. He looked completely thrown off by my unexpected appearance. I had never seen him so visibly confused before. I hesitated, momentarily at a loss for words. I hadn’t expected him to react like this—not that I had expected anything specific.
“Well… uh.”
I fumbled for an excuse, my fingers twisting anxiously.
“Can I borrow a charger?”
“Oh. A charger.”
Go Yohan nodded slowly, looking like a rusty robot.
“Did yours break?”
“No.”
I shook my head. A strange, sheepish smile tugged at my lips. My face muscles weren’t working properly. If he saw it, he’d probably think I looked weird.
“I don’t have my house key.”
I pulled my phone from my pocket and showed him the dead screen.
“And my battery’s dead too.”
Go Yohan frowned. His face twisted into an expression of genuine trouble. Seeing that made my mood sink. It felt like I was sinking into a disgusting swamp.
Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have come. I dropped my head and searched for another solution.
I didn’t know any numbers by heart, so I had no one to call. Normally, people would just contact someone through social media in situations like this, but I didn’t even have an account. I should have made one. Should I just borrow some money from him and do a quick charge at a convenience store? Yeah. That was probably the better option.
“If it’s a hassle, just lend me some mo—”
“Come in.”
Go Yohan cut me off. It didn’t seem intentional. He had just spoken faster. But he must have caught at least part of what I said because he gave a slight tilt of his head.
“What were you saying just now?”
“Nothing. Just mumbling nonsense.”
I waved it off, and Go Yohan shrugged. Then, stepping back, he pushed the door open wide. I swallowed hard. The winter-dried grass came into view. Slowly, I stepped over the threshold into his house. His yard was softer and springier than I expected.
“You haven’t eaten lunch either?”
“No. I wasted too much time going back to school looking for my key.”
“You could’ve just bought something on the way back.”
“I left my wallet at home too.”
“Hah. Wow. Even you mess up sometimes.”
Go Yohan laughed, a cloud of white breath escaping his lips. He had clearly just come outside, dressed lightly in only a thin T-shirt. His wide, lean shoulders pressed through the fabric. That sharp, straight line—how much had it wrung my desires? I pulled up my coat collar to hide my burning face.
“Are you cold?”
But Go Yohan misunderstood. Well, it was better that way. It saved me from having to make excuses. I just nodded, not trusting my voice to stay steady. Watching that, he quickly walked to the front door and punched in the passcode.
Through the thin T-shirt, his shoulder blades became visible. The shape of his broad back peeked through, too.
T-shirt and linen pants. He had to be colder than I was. Every time he exhaled, white mist bloomed from his mouth.
I stared at it before squeezing my eyes shut. I was fucking hopeless.
An idiot.
The moment the front door opened, Go Yohan grabbed my arm and pulled me inside. My heart nearly exploded. He yanked me in so fast I didn’t even get a chance to look around.
“Hey, wait—!”
The only things I registered were the feel of his hand on my arm, my heartbeat pounding like a war drum, his stark white hair, and the faint scent of soap from him.
Go Yohan’s room was on the second floor, same as mine. Unlike my room, which was filled with wooden furniture, his was packed with metal furnishings. It felt cold and sterile.
By the entrance of the room hung a crucifix.
With Jesus nailed to it.
The placement was so conspicuous that I thought he must see it every single day.
I stared at it for a long time before averting my eyes. It felt like the crucified Jesus was staring right at me.
“…”
A hand appeared in front of me—Go Yohan’s hand.
The large palm hovered expectantly.
I got the hint and placed my phone in it.
Satisfied, Go Yohan walked over to another door attached to his room. I caught a glimpse inside—it looked like a bedroom. He grabbed a charger from the nightstand next to his bed.
“You can drop your bag anywhere in the living room. And just toss your coat on the couch.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Grinning, he smacked my arm before strolling out of the room. As he left, he glanced back and said:
“Stay here for a bit. Don’t come out.”
“Why?”
“Well…”
His pale-colored eyes rolled in thought before flicking toward empty space. Then, staring at nothing in particular, he added:
“I have to let my mom know you’re here.”
“Oh, your mom’s home?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I should at least say hello—”
“No.”
His firm voice shut me down immediately.
It felt like an enormous wall had dropped in front of me, pressing me down.
A really strange feeling.
“Stay in here until I tell you to come out.”
“Does your mom not like you having friends over?”
“…Yeah. Something like that.”
“Oh. Alright.”
That was absurdly firm.
Feeling awkward, I nodded cautiously. If he didn’t want me meeting his mom, he could’ve just said so from the start. He didn’t have to be so damn forceful about it. Annoyed, I blamed him for making me feel uncomfortable.
“Fine. I’ll wait here till you come back.”
I lowered my head and sat on the nearest metal chair. Stretching my legs out, I pretended to relax. Go Yohan watched me for a moment before slowly closing the door behind him.
I stared at the shut door and mumbled irritably.
“He sure knows how to make someone feel unwelcome.”@@novelbin@@
Since I was the one who needed to be here, I had no right to complain. The one at a disadvantage always has it worse.
While waiting for Go Yohan, I took the chance to look around. The space looked at least twice the size of my room. Sure, my room had a dressing room and an en suite bathroom… but unlike his, it didn’t have an attached living room. From what I remembered, even Han Junwoo’s room wasn’t this spacious.
“Our house is richer than yours.”
“…I guess that’s true.”
He didn’t look like someone who grew up rich, though. His face had the kind of emptiness you’d expect from someone who grew up lacking something.
I justified my thoughts with nonsense and got up to explore.
There was no door separating his room from the living room, just an arched opening. Through it, I could faintly see a bed. Feeling oddly satisfied, I stepped closer. His bed was about the same size as mine.
Just as I was stepping forward, the door Go Yohan had closed earlier swung open.
He stared at me, eyes locked on mine, and asked,
“What are you doing, snooping around my room?”
“Oh, uh, I was just bored.”
“Come out.”
“Did you get permission?”
“Yeah. You said you were hungry, right? Let’s eat first.”
“…I can?”
“Consider yourself lucky. We’re having braised short ribs for lunch today.”
Fucking delicious, he muttered under his breath.
He left the door open, waiting for me.
I hesitated for a moment before walking past him. The next thing I knew, Go Yohan had already shut the door and was striding ahead of me with his long legs.
He moved down the stairs like he’d done it a thousand times before. Which, of course, he had—it was his house.
But for some reason, it felt strange. Like I was seeing a different side of him.
